When Your Smile is Hiding Your Fears

Be kind. Be gentle. Be patient.

See this picture on the left?
That’s Jon and me at the Emmy awards in 2003.
Don’t we look fancy?
Don’t we look happy?
 
Well, we might have LOOKED fancy… but inside, we were freaking out.
 
When we arrived at the Emmy awards, where I was nominated for a regional Emmy, we were having fun… we were enjoying being dressed up…
 
We were also newly pregnant.
 
And while we were there, enjoying the excitement and fun of an awards party, I started bleeding…
The signal that I’d become all too familiar with.
The sign that this pregnancy wasn’t going to last, either.
Just like all the others.
 
I had to smile. And laugh. And carry on conversations.
All while my heart was breaking.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to yell.
I wanted to break down.
 
But I couldn’t.
And neither could Jon.
So we leaned on each other and made it through the evening.
Driving home in quiet.
Praying all the way.
 
The next day was Mother’s Day.
Still spotting.
 
Convinced this was some cruel joke the universe was pulling on me.
Miscarrying on Mother’s Day.
That’s rich.
The next day we had an ultrasound.
And we saw it.
A heartbeat.
 
A tiny little fetus…. and a heartbeat.
The heart that’s beating now in that young man on the right.
I will never take that little heartbeat for granted.
 
There will be times when you don’t realize the person smiling at you is fighting a battle in their mind.
 
Be kind.
Be gentle.
Be patient.

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