The Day I Thought I’d Never Be a Mother

My struggle with multiple miscarriages

One of my darkest days, was Mother’s Day, 12 years ago.
Once upon a time, I thought I was never going to be a mom – Doomed to have miscarriage after miscarriage. In fact, it was Mother’s Day 2003 when I was convinced I was having yet another miscarriage. I’d already had 3. I wasn’t a mom. I was pregnant and scared and experiencing the symptoms of miscarriage that I’d had many times before.

I was ANGRY. I hated pregnant women. I was envious of my friends who were moms. I was consumed with my anger and frustration at my body, which seemed to betray me after ever positive pregnancy test.

Despite my symptoms, that Mother’s Day did NOT end in a miscarriage. My physician rushed me in to his office on Monday morning to do an ultrasound and lo and behold, we had a heartbeat. That heartbeat belongs to my oldest. My fighter. My kindhearted Connor.
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Fast forward to 2008, when this photo was taken. We didn’t stop having miscarriages. We had more after we were blessed with Connor – and then this little guy was a total surprise. I thought we were going to be a family of 3… and I was happy with that life… and then Mr. Harrison stuck. Another fighter. Another little boy. A hilarious and sweet little man. Another blessing in the revolving door of positive pregnancy tests, loss of pregnancy symptoms and crushing grief.

Why am I sharing this? This is a health & fitness page, right? Yes. Yes it is. It’s also a place for me to share my struggles and victories in the hopes that they will help and inspire others – and the struggle of becoming a mom is definitely a BIG part of my strength today.

So to all of the mamas out there – and those who hold that dream of being a mom one day. You are not alone. Happy Mother’s Day.

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