The Day I Thought I’d Never Be a Mother

My struggle with multiple miscarriages

One of my darkest days, was Mother’s Day, 12 years ago.
Once upon a time, I thought I was never going to be a mom – Doomed to have miscarriage after miscarriage. In fact, it was Mother’s Day 2003 when I was convinced I was having yet another miscarriage. I’d already had 3. I wasn’t a mom. I was pregnant and scared and experiencing the symptoms of miscarriage that I’d had many times before.

I was ANGRY. I hated pregnant women. I was envious of my friends who were moms. I was consumed with my anger and frustration at my body, which seemed to betray me after ever positive pregnancy test.

Despite my symptoms, that Mother’s Day did NOT end in a miscarriage. My physician rushed me in to his office on Monday morning to do an ultrasound and lo and behold, we had a heartbeat. That heartbeat belongs to my oldest. My fighter. My kindhearted Connor.
Fast forward to 2008, when this photo was taken. We didn’t stop having miscarriages. We had more after we were blessed with Connor – and then this little guy was a total surprise. I thought we were going to be a family of 3… and I was happy with that life… and then Mr. Harrison stuck. Another fighter. Another little boy. A hilarious and sweet little man. Another blessing in the revolving door of positive pregnancy tests, loss of pregnancy symptoms and crushing grief.

Why am I sharing this? This is a health & fitness page, right? Yes. Yes it is. It’s also a place for me to share my struggles and victories in the hopes that they will help and inspire others – and the struggle of becoming a mom is definitely a BIG part of my strength today.

So to all of the mamas out there – and those who hold that dream of being a mom one day. You are not alone. Happy Mother’s Day.



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